De- Stress

I find these minor things I have listed below, we can all do; sinners and saints alike, to DE-stress. Whether it be for the coming holidays or as needed. Feel free to copy and paste them to your foreheads as you will need to look back on them with some frequency:

1. Pray. (You don't have to pray to God, Jehovah, Allah, Satan, just to the higher representation of yourself) I heard a story once about all Men being created in Gods image.... etc lol

2. Go to bed on time.

3. Get up on time so you can start the day UN-rushed.

4. Say "No" to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.

5. Delegate tasks to capable others.

6. Simplify and UN-clutter your life.

7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)

8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.

9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.

10. Take one day at a time.

11. Separate worries from concerns… If a situation is a concern, find out what by thinking it through what can be done and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.

12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.

13. Have backups: an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.

14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.

15. Do something for the Kid-in-You everyday.

16. Carry a Bible/Torah/Koran/Satan Handbook with you to read while waiting in line.

17. Get enough rest.

18. Eat right.

19. Get organized so everything has its place.

20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.

21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.

22. Every day, find time to be alone.

23. Having problems? Talk to God/Devil/Jove on High/ even the dog on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.

24. Make friends with Godly/Saintly/Devilish people.

25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures/peaceful words on hand.

26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good "Thank you Jesus/Lord/Jove."

27. Laugh.

28. Laugh some more!

29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.

30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).

31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).

32. Sit on your ego.

33. Talk less; listen more.

34. Slow down.

35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe

36. Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.

You are the Most Beautiful Woman In The World So Get Over It!

I was tickled purple the other day by a comment that under normal circumstances I would not take seriously. I was told that I was the most beautiful woman this person had ever been with. Well of course I realized that blindness had overcome this individual or that an epileptic seizure had twisted their perception of beauty. Then lastly, I thought since I am such a beautiful soul and endearing caricature of a person that my winning personality that is known to all who have known me more than twenty minutes had wowed this lovely individual. Since I am an Archaeologist in training I decided to do some digging (no pun intended). I first went over the background check I had done on this individual long ago, and decided that this persons diet had improved since knowing me, and their was no history of dementia. I went through all of the pictures of the exes since there is kept a detailed list of all, ranging from body type, personality, blood type (just kidding) and other features I dare say I wouldn't mention here without making all of you blush!

I was almost worried for a nanosecond, but, I have never had to compete for the affections of another. I have never had to worry in my adult life about being the other woman or ever having to worry about "other women syndromes" and the low self esteem that comes with competing with things greater than yourself; knowing you will never win, kind of, superior junk (I know that was a mouthful.) I started to wonder if this individual was under the influence of a narcotic or other hallucinogenic drug but the blood tests and urine samples came back negative.

I checked this individuals vision for blind spots and suggested seeing a doctor for tests which I could gain access to easily, because near death experiences sometimes bring out a Florence Nightingale syndrome; but since I hadn't run into on-coming traffic to save someone recently I knew this wasn't the case. I checked my past blogs and noticed no new kudos or new comments and no naughty language was pressed towards this individual which was a relief at least on my part. I even checked old photos of myself and realized that even though the poundage had been reduced thirty or forty pounds in the last few months, my lovely face hadn't changed much during that time so I was relieved and yet puzzled as to where that comment came from.

Still tickled royal purple by the comment and wondering if my skin would survive the blushing. I drank a jug of water picked my nose and just came out and asked: "Why for say you that I may be fairest in the land?" The question I posed took this individual by surprise and as this individual furrowed their brow and pursed their lips to answer I said I needed to lie down on a comfy couch to await what was the cause of this delusional outburst.

This individual laughed and held themselves for a brief moment then fell asleep without answering my question. I was more confused than I could stand. I waited with baited breath and wondered why a simple direct answer wasn't given since this person has never held their tongue in their life except when they knew I would be angry. I was still sitting across from this comment bearing culprit when they awoke and stated simply: "You just are and I love you," then my lovely husband rolled over and went back to sleep.

Today I Change The World !

                    Okay, I am finally going to write a no shit-can't believe its not butter-no holds barred-factual account of my own volition. This is my own manifestation: a disambiguation, as it were. Sorry for the S.A.T. words but like most of my long time old school friends we have definitely earned the right to spit them with no apologies and enjoy the blank  faces staring back at when I do.  Enough "Bonn Chin Che" (gossip) I hoped I spelled it right or I 'll hear about it.

I finally picked up my college diploma the other day and realized I should have not waited so long to retrieve it but with being sick, my new level of docility, and running head first into silly issue after issue I decided to see what it looked like, since I earned the damn thing.  With graduate school only a few months away the PhD program from hell about to begin I sit and reflect on why it's necessary for me to change the world.  In my own selfish way I wanted, like most power hungry 5 foot dictators, to shape the world in my own image but I digress, maybe the world really doesn't need to make Bon-Bons its own food group.

I looked at my friend's page the other day and seeing how young we once were, shuddered to think what will become of us if we don't enact change and move quickly to bring our world goals to fruition.  Our personal lives are a direct reflection of where we need to enact global change.  With all the creationists, evolutionists and separatists fighting in an epic battle for world domination at a skewed view, I felt the need to shift my personal view onto a global scale to see where I as an individual can enact real change.  Sadly, personal tragedy, health and other unavoidable distractions have had me slip off my path once (twice, or three times) but it only gives me more experience to deal headlong with issues at hand.

Now I know what some are thinking that we all can persevere, but in reality we all can't be chairman of the board. We however, can all take steps to foster global change.  For example I took a year off from college to help my hubby and kiddies get acclimated to their new home; get school focused and contribute better to my totalitarian government my husband and I run at home. Top that with my impending career change after so long, I needed to secure my place in the history books.  In order for there to be positive change there needs to be stability, at least at home.

I took three steps to start down this path in addition to all the wonderful yummy pieces of knowledge I learned from Brooklyn College:

1. sadly a change in diet that almost killed me  for lack of bon bons (don't worry I still have some but once in a while; I am trying to enact global change not kill myself in the process).  I have become a camel, drinking water all day and besides bon bons I gave up my cu-chi Fritos, the fried versions of all my favorite animal parts and junk food. 

2. change in my societal views of how people and relationships are and should be.  I have gained a more open mind about people places atmosphere and all the straight laced people I used to make fun of.  I make friends with whores, for their unique knowledge (just kidding) and saints, to laugh at (really just kidding) alike and find myself not so different from any of them.  I judge only those whose shoes I have walked in before and I have gained the discipline to take whatever pulsations, beatings, setbacks and defeats that come my way and move forward always with a smile and silent resolve.

3. I have tightened my circle of peers to include stages of people who will assist along the way.  The doctors, musicians, artisans, swingers, husband and wife stealer's, wife and husband beaters (yep they do exist) communists, bi, tri, pan, and quad sexuals  that I have befriended on this site; or from the "Boogie Down" to "Flatbush" or at work, school, L.E.S.(my old hangout spot) all  have been put here to assist me in this task.  All the frills and falseness we laugh at every day or all the people we take for granted is why I relaxed here on my last day off from my work to tell you. That is why you get to read this short diatribe of mine, and sit in your homes and think on why we, with our brilliant minds haven't thought of this sooner.

Self Improvement 101

It has been a long while my lovely friends. I have been toiling away at becoming a better commodity whilst I secretly stabilize the world of the obvious woes.  I hope my long time away has shaken your resolve to becoming more perfect beings. 

I thought I had ten easy ways to be better, live better and maintain your sexy while either not giving a flying F?%K or caring so much you cry at the very thought of change; but alas the first ten are only the beginning.  While conquering the world make sure you have self love first.  

As always you all have my best.

The Lovely Mrs. Lis First Ten Ways To Self Improve

OK Number One is fun almost like school except you write what you see my lovely people; document everything.  The funny thing about history repeating itself is that we keep warring and demolishing what existed before then we wonder why the same things happen over and over again!  Sadly that includes all the bon bon’s you have eaten and if you know the real reason why worshiping Satan only makes all the other God’s stronger he he!

Number Two is the one you will really enjoy:  laugh at yourself, laugh at others and be totally self-deprecating.  If you farted in line at the movies giggle out loud and ask who did that or (just kidding) silently giggle and make faces at your friends.  If someone is funny looking make fun of them too and just to be kind, tell them you thoroughly respect their honesty and style.

Number Three is easier than you think; become famous be a pinup boy or sleep with a governor (maybe not so drastic) pop up on one of those outdated reality shows, you will be remembered, get invited to cheesy outings and maybe be able to marry a Count or at the very least marry up such as a doctor producer or a T.V. ready Archaeologist.

Number Four is what you do when your when you navigate your life learn how to maneuver the Internet.  Learn CAD or Access even, if you aren't a computer whiz and watch how mere mortals fold under the weight of your new found intellect.

Number Five is collaboration of ideas and people.  Do this and smile walk up to the fattest person in the room (not me you buffoons!) and say you are beautiful and sexy, whether your a woman or a man, and if he or she carries herself well he or she will say thank you go home and cry and probably run on a treadmill tomorrow.

Number Six is what your doing right now read everything.  Read a good book or a good blog, whilst your on the bowl in the morning.  Read about art and then go to the museums not the big ones with the fancy names the little out of the way places that are probably close to your neighborhood.  By reading about yourselves your neighborhoods and such, you will be able to figure out how to make yourself better and better your neighborhood in the process.

Number Seven is the one that I received the most criticism from.  All red blooded adults need sex!  Unless you are a man or woman of the cloth or you are dead, this is what you need. This is not a request. If you are single find good love and get good nookie!  If you are married you need to attempt full frontal assaults on your spouse.  This is not a game. Stretch do breathing exercises, whatever you need to do.  It is a fact especially to your married gals that married men die sooner than their spouses because of lack of sex!! They need it at least four times a week to at least keep up with you. So barrel down and get naked!

Number Eight is quite silly really And not as exciting as Number Seven.  I know It will be a hard habit to break. But it is essential to our well being.  We have to stop being cliquish.  I know it’s hard even for me to say I went from on the debate team and cheer-leading squad (Go Mustangs Go!) in high school to the Anthropology club in college.  I notice that though kinship is essential, branching out early to investigating different tribes is necessary for growth and change.

Number Nine is easy for the anal type A personalities. Prepare for everything and you will not have huge issues.  Plan the day; the next five years; the life you want and make a simple doable plan.  The extravagances will come later and better when your better prepared for them. 

Number Ten be a tattle tale! (NO I’m not telling the secrets I promised not to tell of my friend having nookie in the music room twelve years ago) Sorry, I know snitches get stitches but when the little old lady gets pushed down the steps of the subway, I’m trip-pin’ the killer and calling the Po-Po.  Yup’ I am!  Because when I’m coming home to my block at four in the morning from work or from hanging out; the killer I  let go the night before is not killing me sorry: (!

To be continued....

Love Always, 

Lis