November Blues...

I should be absolutely happy. I'm free from a most tumultuous existence, my positive peers grow in number except for one lost soul (but all sweet Novembers are),and I'm actually doing things for myself. I still don't feel happy. I thought it was because of my pending divorce and all the garbage and mud slinging that goes along with it, but its not. I don't know why I'm feeling unlike myself. Its not the lack of sex my very young maintenance man has my schedule down better than I do. Its not the other person I'm seeing because the actuality of his chaos outweighs my own. We don't really do much but speak of nerd stuff but that's the way we both need that adult connection so I go with the flow. Since I restore classics, I made him my little project but hes a stubborn little Libra. I decided friendship is easier for now. Positive people in his corner will straighten him out.

I feel like Rodin's "The Thinker," man, forever locked in puzzlement, devoid of an answer. I heard my biological clock tic this morning and I smashed it with a hammer, so I know not having a son wasn't the issue. That's my mothers problem. She should of had more children. I just think this permanent single life is taking a toll. I'm starting to feel like I'm supposed to be burning up and transforming but a trip to my mirror shows no change. One day at a time.